jumbled up post..

My sleepiness is getting the better of me but I feel the need to post something here.

I received a message from my mom this afternoon asking me how the turtles were doing and this is what I replied.

"They look lively."

Well, of course, my mom was convinced that they were dead since I mentioned that they 'look lively' instead of 'being alive'. I really had a good laugh after that and something came back into my memory. One of them really had died last year. I could remember the still and puppeted figure which I held before burrying it in the nearby field. Its head was hanging low and it seemed to have suffered prior to its death. Its eyes were half-closed as though it was having a peaceful rest. I cried the whole night thinking that I have killed it. Maybe it was really my fault. Guilt is still overwhelming every time I reminisce about it.

The thing about me is that, I tend to get really touchy when it comes to issues regarding dying animals with the condition that I witness the deaths myself. My eyes will go teary when I watch or read animals being tortured in the most inhuman ways. Even when my dad hit Saffy, I could not help defending her when I know clearly that she deserved the punishment.

Lizards, however, is totally another issue. I hate them. Or, you can call it fear rather than hatred. I can never feel sorry for them when they dies. Most probably I will feel disgusted and would want to get rid of the 'dead bodies' as soon as possible. I have no idea what they are doing here. Sometimes, I use this as a food for thought: Are they beneficial to us? They may have served the purpose of killing insects which harbour on the walls for us but I still shudder when I realise a lizard is at bay less than two feet from me. The very moment I notice one of these mini dinosaurs lurking in a corner with tiny, black eyes, I would be dashing off in the opposite direction. Sometimes, I would scream if one caught me off-guard. Another thing that I really hate is their velocity. The way they move which was a little too fast for my eyes to catch a glimpse of them is another factor of why I hate them so much. I am afraid of something that I missed. Which is particularly true why I hate being absent from school. I do not like to be left in the dark.

My B.M. sir told us something about psychology today and I found it really interesting. He drew an 'S' on the white board and asked us in which perspective do we look at the bold 'S'. He said some people said the background of the 'S' is black. Everyone in class said otherwise. How can it be a black background when it was written on a white board? He later explained that certain people who are more to the 'creative side' or harshly labelled as the pessimistic ones look at the whole picture with the 'S' being a puncture on the white board. He added on that the people in this category view things in extraordinary ways and tend to judge things in the wrong way. For this, I am glad that I am normal.

The other day, I went out for a cup of tea with a friend whom I have not met for a long time. He taught me a lot about facing reality in life and it really made me think how I have been taking life so lightly all these years. There are just so much that I could do with my life rather than dreaming about life that I could never get. The life that I really wanted but never could get no matter how hard I try. Real life scenarios are not as blissful as fictional lives that we read in books or watch on television. I wonder, what can I do with my life? How can I enrich it? Many questions started popping into my head and it all ended all in a messy, tangled up strings of confusion. I could think no more.

I notice I love to jumble up the topics when I update. I just don't know why. Maybe it's due to the fact that I write whatever that comes to my mind first which proves that I am not much of a planner. I would write about this. Then, I think maybe I should quit blabbering on the same issue and move on to another one. A die-hard habit which I cannot get rid of.

My neighbour must be smoking again. I just could not stand the smell of burnt nicotine and tar. Not only are my eyes tired, my nose is getting irritated all due to the 'good deed' of my neighbour. I wonder how Saffy could stand it since she has better smelling sense than me.